Teaser for an upcoming chapter of 'Love This Pain' to celebrate! I'm the author of the week for the Twi Network, and the lovely Emmett-Cullen's-Biggest-Fan has given me a wonderful rec on Phase Fics!
“You’d talk about boys for me?” I giggled. “I’m just kidding,” I said, patting him on the knee.
He nodded his head good naturedly, clasping and unclasping his hands together. “Yeah…well….that’s what friends do, right? They talk about…shopping, and boys and school, and stupid guys who give them snarky looks,” he grimaced, and I guessed he felt about as cool as he sounded.
“Well, we could talk about girls.”
I couldn’t believe I had said that. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I felt like smacking myself for being so stupid, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know why Seth didn’t have a girlfriend, and the question burned on the tip of my tongue, and I tried to fight it back without avail.
“Seth…so why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
He looked over at me, his head moving so fast I thought he had hurt himself. “What?” he asked. He sounded almost…hurt.
“Why…w-why don’t you ever go out with girls?” I asked.
Seth looked away quickly, and I could see his brown eyes searching the ground in front of him. It was almost like he was hoping an answer would jump up out of the sand and present itself to him.
“I do…I mean…I did, once upon a time, gah, I don’t know!” he laughed, the deep laughter vibrating through him through to my leg. I looked down, embarrassed that I had asked him such a personal question. He was an adult, and it was rude of me to ask him that. As always, Seth was a good sport about it.
“I’m sorry. You’re an adult, that was rude of me to ask you,” I lamented. Even though my mom wasn’t around a lot growing up, I still at least had manners.
Maybe one day I’ll learn to use them, I thought to myself with a smirk. I looked at Seth, and he was frowning slightly.
“I’m not that grown up,” he insisted, sounding childlike. I giggled, shoving him on his muscled shoulder. Touching him made him seem more real – he was so charmingly juvenile in my mind when I thought of him, at least personality and mannerisms. I expected him to catch him stealing cookies or putting out fake vomit to scare his mother. I forgot that he was older sometimes, even though that was a very dangerous thing for me to do. But…touching his solid, muscular shoulder reminded me that he was definitely a grown up.
And definitely not for me.
“I date….” He said slowly. He looked up at me from the ground and played with my cast again. “But I just don’t have time for all that. I mean…work and…” he trailed off, looking out at the ocean.
“When you’re not at work you’re at Sue’s. That could be girlfriend time.”
Since when was I so brave with my words? I was on a roll and I knew that I shouldn’t be prying; I might uncover answers that I didn’t want. But…I had to know. Why didn’t Seth have a girlfriend?
“I…I don’t know,” he stuttered. “Do you care that I’m there all the time?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. And Sue loves it. She’s always talking about what she’s going to cook for you.”
I looked over, watching his face. He looked…disappointed?
“I…I like having you there too. Who else will make Charlie uncomfortable? And who else will Sue hit on the back of the head for saying goofy shit?”
Seth chuckled, but his face returned to its somber state a few seconds later. He was clearly deep in thought. “Yeah…yeah you’re right. Who else?”
He frowned again, and looked like he wanted to say something. It got very quiet, and I was suddenly feeling a little awkward. I realized that I shouldn’t be here with him like this – it was wrong. I was feeling things for Seth that I shouldn’t be, and it was not good for me to be out here with him, alone, on this beautiful beach with the moonlight shining down on his chiseled, perfectly tan face. His warm body shouldn’t pre pressed against my leg, and it shouldn’t give me the feelings that it did. Being alone on a deserted beach with a man – not just a boy but a man – shouldn’t make me feel this content. I shouldn’t feel unsatisfied by not having myself wrapped in his arms.
But, once again here I was…knowing that I shouldn’t feel the way I did about Seth.
When had it happened? I turned my head and enjoyed the simple view of the beautiful man in front of me as he gazed out at the ocean, his black eyebrows furrowed into a slight frown, his lips pressed together. When had he suddenly become something other than the dorky cop who hung around at his mommy’s house, asking stupid questions and smiling too much? I didn’t know and I didn’t care.
My new found feelings for him were wrong, and yet…I didn’t feel sorry. Knowing Seth was the first thing that had made me feel alive for the first time in months. I felt content. Complete. Cherished. I didn’t want to give that feeling up.