Friday, April 22, 2011
The silence in the room was taunting me. Here she was, in my bedroom, in my bed….and it was killing me. I knew I was at my breaking point with her, and my resistance was low. I had been trying desperately to not give into my new feelings for her, thinking she was too young and it was too soon, but…I couldn’t help it.
This felt right.
I sat up, running my hand through my hair. Was this a mistake? No, mistakes didn’t feel this right. Mistakes you could feel in your gut. Mistakes felt wrong while you were doing them.
Being here with her certainly didn’t feel that way.
“What do you want, Regan?” I finally whispered. My voice cracked with emotion, and I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. I didn’t want to hate myself for wanting this girl so badly; I felt exhausted from refusing my instinct to be with her. It felt like carrying weights up a stream, but instead of a little brook I was up to my neck in rapids.
She sat up next to me, sitting down on her knees on the bed. I tried not to look at the way the shirt shifted again, exposing her black bra, or the way she sexily tucked her legs beneath her body. She wrapped her arms slowly around my neck, pulling me closer to her body that was still slightly chilled by the cool air in the Cullens house. I reciprocated, trying to keep my focus as our skin touched and sparked pleasantly. Regan looked up at me, her eyes sad and pleading.
My heart went out to her as she spoke; I knew this wasn’t easy for her.
“I guess…I guess I just am scared to admit to myself how I feel about you…and I wish it was okay to feel like I do.”
“How do you feel about me?” I blurted out.
She looked up at me, her eyes straining in my dark bedroom as the silence chilled us both. I wanted to hear her answer more than anything.
“You frustrate me,” she said stubbornly, her bottom lip jutting out.
Her eyes shifted downwards uncomfortably. “I don’t know, you just do.”
I bit my lip and thought a second, contemplating my next move. How to go about this without sounding weird…
“I shouldn’t. Regan, I’m here for you and….I’m here to be whatever you need me to be.”
“What does that mean, exactly?”
I bit back a laugh at her blunt question. “It means what I said. I’m whatever you want…and need.”
She looked at me, her eyes straining again to see my face in the dim light. “I’m afraid of what I need from you.” her voice was just above a whisper, and I could feel it; it was laced with shame and regret already. If she was embarrassed, she didn’t need to be.
“What do you need?” I asked, my voice cracking again.
She looked away, her hands clenching behind my neck as she held me. Her warm breath blew on my face, enchanting me with her even more. It was hard to concentrate with this girl in front of me, so close….so beautiful.
“I told you…I’m afraid to answer that.”